Really?!? - Relationship Advice

Here I am again with a question about behavior that I don't really understand.

I have noticed that some friends/folks will from time to time ask me about relationship advice. I'm not talking about using me as a sounding board or a passing conversation. That makes sense. What I find strange is the group who is truly asking me for a "what to do" type of answer.

Here is why I find this strange. I am single. I am terminally single. My longest relationship has been 6 months. It's hard to accept but women have spoken and they overwhelmingly don't like me on any kind of level that would lead to a relationship. So fine, I am a horrible person. That is a blog for another day.

They know I don't have a girlfriend. They know that in the entire time they have known me that I have not been in a relationship. Why would they ask me about my thoughts on someone they like, what a certain behavior by someone they date means, or that they are frustrated and want to know what they should do? That is the equivalent of asking a skinny person about cake. A skinny person clearly does not portray someone who has the background to discuss the nuances of cake ecstasy.

So when dating, living together and married people ask me for relationship advice, I can only think, "Really?!?" What could they possibly think I could bring to the table? Priests gladly council people on marriage. I don't have that kind of bold confidence. I try to stick to what I have experienced.

Here is where the whole thing gets odder. After I make it clear that I have bubkes in the relationship knowledge department, I offer one of two things:

1. If it is an annoyance issue with their partner, then I ask is this a new behavior or one that you have ignored until now. Few people have good poker faces with their traits beyond two dates. Usually the complaints are about behavior that has always been there and the person actually liked about their partner. (rent "Prelude to a Kiss") Now for reasons only known to them they have pulled a 180 and now despise that same trait. I offer that they try to figure out what they are really upset with. If you signed on for "it" and now you don't want "it," then the change is likely in you. That is not always a bad thing. Maybe you don't like doing illicit drugs in nightclubs with your partner anymore. Congrats for reaching this point in your life.

2. I don't like how my partner "puts things in the medicine cabinet", "is so friendly/flirty with other people", "doesn't do _____ for/with me." Pulling on my vast dating relationship experience I always provide the same exact advice. "Have you talked to them about it?" The conversation usually goes something like this:

"Have you talked to them about it?"

"Talked to who about it?" (i'm dead serious)

"Your partner."

"Oh I don't want to." (or some similar excuse)

"Well it bothers you, right? Enough to come to me about it. You do seem outwardly bothered."

"Well, yeah."

"Then mention it. It could just be a letting your partner know that this bothers you. Maybe they can explain why and thus you won't be so bothered. Maybe they can cut back on doing it or at least try. They may not change. By not not talking about it then it is guaranteed not to change. You will continue to be annoyed with them and they won't know why."

"How could they not know it bothers me?" (note: i have heard this from guys too)

"Because you haven't told them."

So that's it. I don't know anything else but to be honest about the person your partner is and to talk to, not attack, your partner about something that is bothering you. It's not always going to work and it doesn't cover every problem but ignoring problems rarely ever works.

The one positive is that the people who go talk to their partner have actually come back to me saying that they had a great talk and things are better. No one is more shocked then me because I didn't really know it would work but they needed me to say something.

Of those I have dated, when I deeply cared about the other person it was scary but I felt compelled to go talk to them about such things.

Take it from a guy who has no relationships and is clearly unlikeable. I obviously know what I am doing. :-b

Really?!? - Motorcycle Stories

This the first of what will likely become a continuing theme of "Really?" While hoping to avoid my own sins of pontificating, I will try to pose questions that haunt me.

So I ride a motorcycle. As I see it, it's my scooter. It dutifully gets me from a to b. I would actually own a scooter but I am much to large for such a thing and would look much sillier on one that most. I own a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-9R. (900cc "crotch rocket" or "super bike" if u r not familiar) I scored a sweet deal on it used and I happily get 45-50mpg as I tool around in the summers.

Since owning the bike I have noticed what can only be described as weird behavior. There is the expected weird behavior that falls into the driving category. Things like people who can't help but sit in your blind spot because they are actually looking at the bike or the common occurrence of drivers pulling out in front of you because even though they were looking at you, they do not actually "see" you.

The behavior that trips me out is the odd frequency of grown men (know that i too am grown) who frequently approach me to tell me grandiose stories of their motorcycles past and their land speed records accomplished. Every time this happens I can't help but think to myself, "Really?" "For Reals?" "No Foolin'?"

I am honestly not trying to be mean, but being a programmer has my brain wired to take issue with flawed logic and/or receiving information that has a high "u gotta be f'ing kidding me" factor. I find it plausible that they have had a bike in the past, however I do find it highly improbable that every one of them rode it at 135, 155, 175 down a highway with no helmet and it was "...great!"

I ride a lot , I ride without a helmet a lot and I have ridden fast without a helmet a lot. I have learned a few things in that time. Above 70mph without protective gear you start to take some serious physical abuse form the elements. (next time you are driving on the interstate, roll down all your windows. then climb out onto the hood of your car.) Nearing 120mph you start to run out of road pretty gosh darn fast regardless of possessing protective gear. This coupled with the common man's ability to talk serious b.s. with regard to motorcycles leads me to believe that the various guys slurring their stories to me at the bar are using some creative (and now predictable) license.

I cross reference my observation with the fact that I neva eva eva hear this style of story from people in the current possession of a motorcycle.

Why is this? That's what I don't know. I'm sure it will haunt my brain's free processing threads. Are they telling the story of their motorcycle dream? or just enjoying the remembrance of their beloved bike and the embellishment is a sign of how much they miss their trusty steed? I admit that while newer and better bikes roll into showrooms every season, I feel no urge to leave the machine that has felt more to me like a fighter jet than a land based vehicle.

I look at these men like a child looking at the elderly. Taking time to wonder if I too will become what I see before me. I hope someday I too will miss riding enough to embellish my stories with the same amount of love sans the alcohol.

I have finally entered the blogging world

So I have officially started my first blog. My impression of blogging is largely people espousing their thoughts and views to the world for who knows why. Why would anyone care? It's nice for getting information out to interested groups and helping families and friends stay informed about their day to day stuff. It seems that I just see random pontifications to the general world.

So why am I here now?

While I don't think anyone cares what I think, where I work (i program back-end web apps) needs to provide blogs a standard web offering for clients. I have been tasked to do so and research several customized solutions. While I may know programming and web applications; lingo specific to blogging along with services and options are foreign to me. I don't know what bloggers might want or need in their world. Thus I begin to blog so I can learn.

I think this makes me the antithesis of the common blogger. I profess that I do not know and I have come to the world of blog so that I may learn more.