I have noticed that some friends/folks will from time to time ask me about relationship advice. I'm not talking about using me as a sounding board or a passing conversation. That makes sense. What I find strange is the group who is truly asking me for a "what to do" type of answer.
Here is why I find this strange. I am single. I am terminally single. My longest relationship has been 6 months. It's hard to accept but women have spoken and they overwhelmingly don't like me on any kind of level that would lead to a relationship. So fine, I am a horrible person. That is a blog for another day.
They know I don't have a girlfriend. They know that in the entire time they have known me that I have not been in a relationship. Why would they ask me about my thoughts on someone they like, what a certain behavior by someone they date means, or that they are frustrated and want to know what they should do? That is the equivalent of asking a skinny person about cake. A skinny person clearly does not portray someone who has the background to discuss the nuances of cake ecstasy.
So when dating, living together and married people ask me for relationship advice, I can only think, "Really?!?" What could they possibly think I could bring to the table? Priests gladly council people on marriage. I don't have that kind of bold confidence. I try to stick to what I have experienced.
Here is where the whole thing gets odder. After I make it clear that I have bubkes in the relationship knowledge department, I offer one of two things:
1. If it is an annoyance issue with their partner, then I ask is this a new behavior or one that you have ignored until now. Few people have good poker faces with their traits beyond two dates. Usually the complaints are about behavior that has always been there and the person actually liked about their partner. (rent "Prelude to a Kiss") Now for reasons only known to them they have pulled a 180 and now despise that same trait. I offer that they try to figure out what they are really upset with. If you signed on for "it" and now you don't want "it," then the change is likely in you. That is not always a bad thing. Maybe you don't like doing illicit drugs in nightclubs with your partner anymore. Congrats for reaching this point in your life.
2. I don't like how my partner "puts things in the medicine cabinet", "is so friendly/flirty with other people", "doesn't do _____ for/with me." Pulling on my vast dating relationship experience I always provide the same exact advice. "Have you talked to them about it?" The conversation usually goes something like this:
"Have you talked to them about it?"So that's it. I don't know anything else but to be honest about the person your partner is and to talk to, not attack, your partner about something that is bothering you. It's not always going to work and it doesn't cover every problem but ignoring problems rarely ever works.
"Talked to who about it?" (i'm dead serious)
"Your partner."
"Oh I don't want to." (or some similar excuse)
"Well it bothers you, right? Enough to come to me about it. You do seem outwardly bothered."
"Well, yeah."
"Then mention it. It could just be a letting your partner know that this bothers you. Maybe they can explain why and thus you won't be so bothered. Maybe they can cut back on doing it or at least try. They may not change. By not not talking about it then it is guaranteed not to change. You will continue to be annoyed with them and they won't know why."
"How could they not know it bothers me?" (note: i have heard this from guys too)
"Because you haven't told them."
The one positive is that the people who go talk to their partner have actually come back to me saying that they had a great talk and things are better. No one is more shocked then me because I didn't really know it would work but they needed me to say something.
Of those I have dated, when I deeply cared about the other person it was scary but I felt compelled to go talk to them about such things.
Take it from a guy who has no relationships and is clearly unlikeable. I obviously know what I am doing. :-b
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